John M. Gottman, PH.D., wrote a book entitled: The Seven
Principles for Making Marriage Work. In the first few chapters he talks about
his work as a therapist, studies on marriage, and what behaviors really affect
marriage negatively. On page two of his book, he states, “I can predict whether
a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just fifteen
minutes,” (Gottman, 2015.) Most people
think that communication, or the lack of, is the number one cause of marriage
failure. Gottman tells us, he does not agree with this. “Happily married
couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But
in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their
negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from
overwhelming their positive ones. Rather than creating a climate of
disagreement and resistance, they embrace each other’s needs…. This positive
attitude not only allows them to maintain but also to increase the sense of
romance, play, fun, adventure, and learning together that are the heart of any
long-lasting love affair. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent
marriage,” (Gottman, 2015, pgs. 4-5.)
We need to continually work to make our marriage successful.
We need to work together, as a team. We need to understand that our spouse,
just like our self, is not perfect. We need to be able to look past their
faults and only look for the good.
Several years ago, I was not feeling very connected with my
spouse. I was a busy mom; doing all the things that we do to take care of home
and family. My husband was self-employed and spent many hours at work. I began
to be irritated with things my spouse did or did not do. I was not in a good
place as a wife. I went to the Lord in prayer seeking to be able to remember
the love that I had for my spouse when we married. The idea came to me to write
down one or two reasons each day of why I was thankful for my spouse. I began
to do this, noting all the reasons I was grateful for my husband. After a few
weeks I began to see him in a different light. I again saw all the many reasons
I fell in love with him, all the ways he blessed my life, and the way that God
sees him. This exercise has helped me to view my husband as someone with many
great qualities. He may not be perfect at everything, but he is perfect for me;
he is my best friend!
What does the word ‘cherish’ mean? Webster’s 1828 dictionary
(www.webstersdictionary1828.com)
gives this definition:
- To treat with tenderness and affection; to give warmth, ease or comfort to.
- To hold as dear; to embrace with affection; to foster and encourage.
- To treat in a manner to encourage growth, by protection, aid, attendance, or supplying nourishment.
So, how do we cherish our spouse? We need to treat them tenderly
and with affection. We need to hold them dear and with affection. And we need
to encourage them to grow, giving them aid any way we can.
In his book, Gottman, talks about love maps. He says, “...emotionally intelligent couples are
intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly
detailed love map – my term for that part of your brain where you store all the
relevant information about your partner’s life,” (Gottman, 2015, p. 54.)
Gottman talks about knowing our spouse in intimate ways. This he says will be a
powerful buffer against tough times in marriage. The more we know about our
spouse, his past, dreams, trials and stressors, his favorite things, and important
events in his life, the more we will have positive feelings for him.
Henry B. Eyring, in a 2009 Conference talk speaking of God’s
plan for families, stated: “He has offered us the family as an example of an
ideal setting in which we can learn how to love as He loves. That is because
the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family
relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own.
That is what love is. And the sorrow comes primarily from selfishness, which is
the absence of love,” (Eyring, 2009, p. 2.) Our loving Heavenly Father knows
each of us and has designed the way for us to learn here in this mortal life.
Being part of a family is the best setting for us to learn the things that will
help us the most. Part of this learning is becoming a better person. We need to
seek ways to learn and grow, becoming better in the process. Elder Eyring
suggests that we “Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your
companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small.
Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to
want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion,” (Eyring, 2015,
p. 3.)
I remember when this talk was given, almost 10 years ago. I
have taken this advice and prayed to see the good in my husband, to see him as
God sees him. I have such great love for my husband and know that he has many
great qualities that make him unique. As I have come to look for and see these
good qualities, the things he does that use to bother me now seem small and
insignificant. There are times when I let negative thoughts creep in, but I can
quickly change my thought pattern by remember his good qualities and all the
good memories we have made together.
Gottman gives exercises for couples to do to help them
determine quality of their love maps. In the following chapters, he gives steps
to building or developing a better love map. The first step is to “nurture your
fondness and admiration,” (Gottman, 2015.) He also tells us to look for the
good in our spouse. “…fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. If
you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act
disgusted with him or her when you disagree,” (Gottman, 2015.) This book is a
great resource for all married couples; we can all improve ourselves and our
marriages.
Gottman, J.M. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.
