Cherishing Your Spouse

What does the word ‘cherish’ mean? Webster’s 1828 dictionary (www.webstersdictionary1828.com) gives this definition:

1.      To treat with tenderness and affection; to give warmth, ease or comfort to.

2.      To hold as dear; to embrace with affection; to foster and encourage.

3.      To treat in a manner to encourage growth, by protection, aid, attendance, or supplying nourishment.

So, how do we cherish our spouse? We need to treat them tenderly and with affection. We need to hold them dear and with affection. And we need to encourage them to grow, giving them aid any way we can.

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman, talks about love maps. He says, “...emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map – my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” (Gottman, John M., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Harmony Books, New York, pg.54.) Gottman talks about knowing our spouse in intimate ways. This he says will be a powerful buffer against tough times in marriage. The more we know about our spouse, his past, dreams, trials and stressors, his favorite things, and important events in his life, the more we will have positive feelings for him.

Henry B. Eyring, in a 2009 Conference talk speaking of God’s plan for families, stated: “He has offered us the family as an example of an ideal setting in which we can learn how to love as He loves. That is because the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is. And the sorrow comes primarily from selfishness, which is the absence of love.” (Eyring, Henry B., “Our Perfect Example”, October 2009, www.lds.org, pg. 2.) Our loving Heavenly Father knows each of us and has designed the way for us to learn here in this mortal life. Being part of a family is the best setting for us to learn the things that will help us the most. Part of this learning is becoming a better person. We need to seek ways to learn and grow, becoming better in the process. Elder Eyring suggests that we “Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.” (Eyring, pg.3)

I remember when this talk was given, almost 10 years ago. I have taken this advice and prayed to see the good in my husband, to see him as God sees him. I have such great love for my husband and know that he has many great qualities that make him unique. As I have come to look for and see these good qualities, the things he does that use to bother me now seem small and insignificant. There are times when I let negative thoughts creep in, but I can quickly change my thought pattern by remember his good qualities and all the good memories we have made together.

Gottman gives exercises for couples to do to help them determine quality of their love maps. In the following chapters, he gives steps to building or developing a better love map. The first step is to “nurture your fondness and admiration.” He also tells us to look for the good in our spouse. “…fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree.” This book is a great resource for all married couples; we can all improve ourselves and our marriages.

Marriage is Important to Me

John M. Gottman, PH.D., wrote a book entitled: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In the first few chapters he talks about his work as a therapist, studies on marriage, and what behaviors really affect marriage negatively. On page two of his book, he states, “I can predict whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just fifteen minutes,” (Gottman, 2015.)  Most people think that communication, or the lack of, is the number one cause of marriage failure. Gottman tells us, he does not agree with this. “Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. Rather than creating a climate of disagreement and resistance, they embrace each other’s needs…. This positive attitude not only allows them to maintain but also to increase the sense of romance, play, fun, adventure, and learning together that are the heart of any long-lasting love affair. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage,” (Gottman, 2015, pgs. 4-5.)

We need to continually work to make our marriage successful. We need to work together, as a team. We need to understand that our spouse, just like our self, is not perfect. We need to be able to look past their faults and only look for the good.

Several years ago, I was not feeling very connected with my spouse. I was a busy mom; doing all the things that we do to take care of home and family. My husband was self-employed and spent many hours at work. I began to be irritated with things my spouse did or did not do. I was not in a good place as a wife. I went to the Lord in prayer seeking to be able to remember the love that I had for my spouse when we married. The idea came to me to write down one or two reasons each day of why I was thankful for my spouse. I began to do this, noting all the reasons I was grateful for my husband. After a few weeks I began to see him in a different light. I again saw all the many reasons I fell in love with him, all the ways he blessed my life, and the way that God sees him. This exercise has helped me to view my husband as someone with many great qualities. He may not be perfect at everything, but he is perfect for me; he is my best friend!

What does the word ‘cherish’ mean? Webster’s 1828 dictionary (www.webstersdictionary1828.com) gives this definition:

1.       To treat with tenderness and affection; to give warmth, ease or comfort to.
2.       To hold as dear; to embrace with affection; to foster and encourage.
3.       To treat in a manner to encourage growth, by protection, aid, attendance, or supplying nourishment.

So, how do we cherish our spouse? We need to treat them tenderly and with affection. We need to hold them dear and with affection. And we need to encourage them to grow, giving them aid any way we can.

In his book, Gottman, talks about love maps. He says, “...emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map – my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life,” (Gottman, 2015, p. 54.) Gottman talks about knowing our spouse in intimate ways. This he says will be a powerful buffer against tough times in marriage. The more we know about our spouse, his past, dreams, trials and stressors, his favorite things, and important events in his life, the more we will have positive feelings for him.

Henry B. Eyring, in a 2009 Conference talk speaking of God’s plan for families, stated: “He has offered us the family as an example of an ideal setting in which we can learn how to love as He loves. That is because the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is. And the sorrow comes primarily from selfishness, which is the absence of love,” (Eyring, 2009, p. 2.) Our loving Heavenly Father knows each of us and has designed the way for us to learn here in this mortal life. Being part of a family is the best setting for us to learn the things that will help us the most. Part of this learning is becoming a better person. We need to seek ways to learn and grow, becoming better in the process. Elder Eyring suggests that we “Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion,” (Eyring, 2015, p. 3.)

I remember when this talk was given, almost 10 years ago. I have taken this advice and prayed to see the good in my husband, to see him as God sees him. I have such great love for my husband and know that he has many great qualities that make him unique. As I have come to look for and see these good qualities, the things he does that use to bother me now seem small and insignificant. There are times when I let negative thoughts creep in, but I can quickly change my thought pattern by remember his good qualities and all the good memories we have made together.

Gottman gives exercises for couples to do to help them determine quality of their love maps. In the following chapters, he gives steps to building or developing a better love map. The first step is to “nurture your fondness and admiration,” (Gottman, 2015.) He also tells us to look for the good in our spouse. “…fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree,” (Gottman, 2015.) This book is a great resource for all married couples; we can all improve ourselves and our marriages.

Eyring, Henry B., (2009) "Our Perfect Example", October, www.lds.org.

Gottman, J.M. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Last Lecture

I have asked myself this question over the past several years: How can I live a more meaningful life and help others along the way? I have learned that being an entrepreneur will help me achieve this goal. However, becoming an entrepreneurial hero is a hard journey. The result is a life of meaning and rewards known only to those willing to sacrifice and choose the harder path. What is an entrepreneur and what does it take to be one? An entrepreneur is someone willing to take the risk to begin a new business. He will organize, manage, and assume all risks of the business. Many skills are needed to become an entrepreneur such as financial, organizational, and inter-personal. The biggest thing an entrepreneur will posses is the character needed to succeed. He must be honest in all aspects of life. He must have perseverance as he will face many challenges. He must have a vision of where he wants to go; this vision or dream must be big enough to help him overcome pitfalls along the journey.

My advice for someone wanting to begin this journey is to just start. Taking the first step is necessary to moving on. You need to decide who you want to be at the end of your journey. Make a list of short phrases that describe who you want to be. Prioritize this list to know what steps to take. Set goals to help you become this person. The journey to entrepreneurship is a journey of becoming – becoming a better person. Now, make a list of “I will nots” to ensure you live a life of integrity. This will help you make the correct choice when challenges come. Learn to face your fears. Most things we fear will never become reality. Look at your fears and gain power over them; make them become strengths. When you prepare for challenges before they appear, you will be more successful in overcoming them. There will always be challenges, for that is how we grow.

Finding good mentors is a must. Look for someone who has already made the journey, who is willing to help you learn and progress. Surrounding yourself with good people who accept your journey and support you in it is important to your success. Choose others to help in your business who have strengths where you have weaknesses. This will take being humble as you face your weaknesses but can help you move forward faster. When we are humble we are not prideful. Beware of pride for it can destroy all that you work for if you allow it to creep in. Know that you will have to work hard. This is not an easy path, but the rewards it will give you are worth the struggles. Continue to learn and acquire new skills and knowledge. An entrepreneur is always growing and changing.

At the end of life, most people do not wish they had spent more time working or building their wealth; they may wish they had better relationships with important people in their lives. Keeping balance with all parts of life is important for the entrepreneur. We do not have to be the wealthiest to enjoy peace and happiness in our lives. Know what is most important to you and never neglect those things. Have faith in a Higher Being who will give you direction and all that you need to be successful. You are meant to be successful, you have all you need inside yourself. When we balance our lives, we will be prepared to do great things. Helping to lift others is the greatest part of our journey. Look for ways along your path to give others help. God want us to love and care for others throughout our lives.

In the 2015 Cinderella movie made by Disney Corporation there is a theme repeated throughout the movie, that has touched my heart. Cinderella’s mother teaches her to “Have courage and be kind”. I think this is a great motto for an entrepreneur to adopt. Have courage to do hard things and be kind to everyone along your journey. Life will give you great rewards as you do these two things. Let us all “Have courage and be kind”.

Transitions in Marriage: Family Rules and In-Law Relations

Family Rules

There are many transitions that will occur when a couple marries. Two people come together to start a new family. They come from two different ‘worlds’ in a sense. Each brings their own ideas and perceptions of what their new life will be, based on what they have observed and experienced in their family growing up.  ‘Unfortunately, many newlyweds tend to bring to their marriages a fairy-tale belief in living happily ever after, a belief seemingly based on this supposition: “We have been good. Therefore, only good things will happen to us.’ This belief seems to blind them to the fact that their relationship will undergo radical and usually unexpected changes” (Poduska, 2000, p. 25). Life never stays the same; there is constant change in all living things, including marriage. As a married couple adjusts to married life, they come to learn and grow together.

In his book, Till Debt Do We Part, Bernard Poduska talks about the ‘family rules’ that each family has. He distinguishes three levels of rules that are maintained and transmitted from generation to generation.

•       Explicit Family Rules – rules expressed verbally
•       Implicit Family Rules – taught through nonverbal communication – these have the greatest impact
•       Intuitive Family Rules – also unspoken – these are more far reaching, emotionally inherited

 A newly married couple needs to understand the differences they bring and to work to establish their own rules, combining the rules from both families. This will help with future matters such as finances and childrearing. “It is important that couples understand the rules that bias their perceptions, because these rules influence not only how they expect others to behave but also the consequences they mete out to those who break these rules. One of the most frequent consequences of breaking family rules is distancing by other family members” (Poduska, 2000, p. 30).

In-Law Relations

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:24).

When a new family unit is established, through marriage, both spouses are now part of another ‘new’ family. We often refer to this new family as “the in-laws”. Learning to deal with in-laws can be challenging, but also rewarding. Every family is different, so trying to fit in with the in-laws may be difficult. In the book Helping and Healing Our Families, authors James M. Harper and Susanne F. Olsen give information in chapter 37 on establishing good relationships with new family members. This chapter is titled “Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families” (Haupt, et. al. 2000). “One of the major opportunities the formation of a new marriage offers is that of negotiating relationships between the families the spouses grew up in and the partnership they create through marriage” (Harper & Olsen, 2005, p. 327).

Parents need to allow newly married children to establish their own family unit with their own traditions and identity. Married children build their own identity and decide how they will involve extended family members. Family holiday traditions are one area where conflicts may arise. “Sensitive parents-in-law recognize it is important for couples to develop their own traditions and have time together on special occasions. Parents can help by genuinely not pressuring their grown children to be at every family gathering, even though they will be missed.

I was blessed with a great parents-in-law who helped me understand the importance of allowing newly married children to establish their own family identity. We have always lived near both of our families, which gave us many opportunities to be involved in family gatherings. My in-laws were accepting of me and including me in the family. They were always there to help if needed but were never pushy or demanding.

As my children have married, I have tried to be a good mother-in-law. We have accepted each new member of the family and tried to make them comfortable at family events. With a large family, this has not always been easy. We make special effort to visit with each of our children and their family on a one to one basis to build our relationships with their spouse and children. We are there when help is needed but try to not be criticizing in any way. In my studies this week, I have seen more ways that I might build my relationships with each of my children-in-laws.

The family is ordained of God, we need to build and maintain family relationships that will endure through eternity. This is an ongoing process, but even though it may be difficult, it will be glorious to have every family member present in the eternities. I want to make all family members feel welcome in our home.

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Family. In Haupt, J.H., et.al. (Ed.) Helping and Healing Our Families, (pp. 327-334). Provo, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt Do Us Part, Salt Lake City, UT: Shadow Mountain.

A Journey of Gratitude

“We can lift ourselves, and others as well, when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues” (Monson, 1992) Gratitude is a sign of a great character. We can change our negative thoughts by pondering on all the things we are grateful for. If you need help with this virtue, start by writing down three things each day that you are grateful for. This is a habit to continue throughout your life. Gratitude will lift us to a higher level and prepare us for greater things.

Entrepreneurship

“The pursuit of opportunities is the essence of entrepreneurship. We define an opportunity as a future state that is both desirable and achievable. We also make a distinction among ideas, possibilities, and opportunities. The process of identifying and exploiting entrepreneurial opportunities begins with an idea that addresses some societal need. The entrepreneur must first check the idea for economic feasibility and, once satisfied that it is a realistic possibility, for the idea’s ‘fit’ with his or her situation and plans. Only then can the entrepreneur be reasonably confident that this is the right opportunity to pursue at this time” (Stevenson & Spence, 2009).

Creating a life plan, with a clear vision of where you want to be at the end of your life, will help you on the entrepreneur journey. “…if we are to make full use of our opportunities in life, we must know ourselves – in particular, our strengths and our weaknesses” (Stevenson & Spence, 2009) We must know what we are good at to choose a journey where we can make a difference in the world. It is not enough to become wealthy, we need to give back by lifting others in need.

This week we had a case study on Randy Haykin. He is a great example of living an entrepreneur’s life. Lifelong learning benefited Haykin’s career because it gave him new knowledge and experience that led him to new jobs and business adventures. He built upon his experience and gained more skills to help him advance in his career journey. Each career change not only gave him skills and experience, but also gave him self-confidence to continue risking what it takes to succeed. He added to his network and mentors as he moved to different businesses. He was able to draw on these relationships when he needed guidance or help with challenges. He was also able to partner with those who had strengths where he was weak, giving him the correct balance to build successful businesses.

Being a lifetime learner can help me as I continue to advance my skills and entrepreneur knowledge. I will develop the skill to observe patterns, problems, and solutions.  I can gain experience and skills and further develop the skills I already possess. I can build relationships with others who may be good mentors or partners in future endeavors. Haykin talked about knowing our strengths and our weaknesses, a good leader knows his limitations. When we know what our limitations are we can seek others who are strong in these areas. This will help us to build a balance environment in our business.

The risks of entrepreneurship seem worth it to me because I know that there is not growth without pain. If nothing changes, things will not get better. If we do not take risks our life and situations will remain the same. Growth and learning only come when there are challenges and hardships to overcome. I am sure that even though this was a difficult time for Haykin that he was able to learn things that helped him in latter start-ups. As an entrepreneur and leader, I want to develop more skills and expand my character to be successful in the things I pursue. I know that learning needs to be part of our life in all areas. I know that helping others along this journey is important and it is a give and take relationship. I want to keep focus on the big picture and set my goals to help me achieve the dream.

As this course ends, I want to express my gratitude for the learning I have achieved. I have stretched myself by writing these blog posts, I have gleaned much information on how to make the journey to be a successful entrepreneur and to travel on a “hero’s path”.  I am ready to continue my journey of learning and gathering skills to help me do something extraordinary. Come and join me on the journey of a lifetime.

Haykin, Randy. (August 5, 1998). “The Making of an Entrepreneur” in Harvard Business Review

Monson, T.S. (April 1992) “An Attitude of Gratitude”, lds.org/general-conference/1992/04/an-attitude-of-gratitude.

Stevenson, H.H. & Spence, S.M. (June 22, 2009). Boston, MA, Harvard Business School.

Becoming a Changemaker

What’s a Business For?

In a Harvard Business Review from 2002, Charles Handy (Handy, 2002) wrote an article on the capitalist model of the business world. He explains the effects of scandals in big U.S. companies in the 1990s. These scandals and the changing rules in the business arena have caused many people to look at capitalism as greedy and an out of date system. To others these scandals show the need for all to be governed by integrity and virtue. Business leaders have lost trust of employees and shareholders. “Trust, too, is fragile. Like a piece of china, once cracked it is never quite the same. And people’s trust in business, and those who lead it, is today cracking” (Handy, 2002, p. 3.) Leaders with integrity will ensure that everything they do will be for the growth of the company and to help the employees.

Handy states that the purpose of business is “to make a profit so that the business can do something more or better. That ‘something’ becomes the real justification for the business. Owners know this” (Handy, 2002, p. 5). As more people come to understand that this is the real purpose of businesses, that their purpose is not just to make a profit, there will be great buy in to support these businesses.

Handy proposes several solutions to bring back the understanding of why businesses exist. One solution he suggests it to change laws of ownership for intellectual property. Existing law gives the business owners and financiers the rights of ownership to brands, patents and the skills and experience of its workforce (Handy, 2002, p. 5). Employees, by law, are treated as property of the business. With this mindset, employees are not motivated to excel or to think critically. If the laws were changed to allow employees more rights they would be likely to look for ways to help the companies, they work for. “A good business is a community with a purpose, and a community is not something to be owned” (Handy, 2002, p. 5) “…companies die because their managers focus on the economic activity of producing goods and services and forget that their organization’s true nature is that of community of people” (Handy, 202, p. 6).

Another proposal Handy gives, is to be more honest and real with the reporting of companies’ financial portfolios. He states “…when so many of a company’s assets are now invisible, and therefore uncountable, and when the webs of alliances, joint ventures, and subcontracting partnerships are so complex, it will never be possible to present a simple financial picture of a major business or to find one number that sums it all up” (Handy, 2002, p. 6). He suggests that truth telling needs to be demanded at all levels and that there should be “performance- related pay, for employees’ work. This would give individuals a reason to perform well and would bring more accountability to all levels.

Sustainability is another area where businesses need to make improvements. “Business needs to take the lead in areas such as environmental and social sustainability instead of forever letting itself be pushed onto the defensive” (Handy, 2002, p. 7).  As more businesses come to understand the need for sustainability they will influence the entire world.

Are We Not All Beggars?

In a conference talk in 2014, Jeffrey R. Holland talks about the command that Jesus gave to “look to the poor and …needy, and administer to their relief that they shall not suffer.” This is a remarkable talk that directs us to look beyond ourselves and to serve others with the means we have been blessed with. He explains that we are not able to help others if we are in need ourselves. We need to become industrious, thrifty, ambitious, and self-reliant first and then we will be able to lift others.

Part of our entrepreneur journey is to create the means to lift and strengthen our brothers and sisters. We can do much more with the Lord’s help and guidance. I want to be able to make a difference in the lives as others.

In a speech by Muhammad Yunus, we read: “Economics has committed a strategic mistake in conceptualizing a human being. It has abstracted away from the very essence of a human being. All human beings are creative beings. Each human being has great potential buried in him or her. Economics has reduced human beings to lesser beings than what they are, and consequently still lesser beings than what they could be” (Yunus, 1999, p. 3.) Yunus talks about how people who are ‘poor’ monetarily suffer because they do not have the means to pursue creative ideas that they have. He began ‘loaning’ money to poor people in his country, Bangladesh, who could not obtain a loan from a formal institution. He established the Grameen Bank, which today lends money to 2.3 million poor borrowers in Bangladesh. 94 percent of the borrowers are women. They have loaned more than 2.4 billion dollars with more than 97 percent repayment (Yunus, 1999, pg. 5). “All human beings are endowed with unlimited potential. Because of barriers created by our societies, individual people never get the full opportunity to bring out their potential” (Yunus, 1999, p. 5).

“I strongly believe that we can create a poverty-free world- if we want to. We can create a world where there won’t be a single human being who may be described as a poor person” (Yunus, 1999, p. 7).

Part of our entrepreneur journey is to create the means to lift and strengthen our brothers and sisters. We can do much more with the Lord’s help and guidance. I want to be able to make a difference in the lives as others.

Handy, Charles. “What’s a Business For?”, Harvard Business Review, December 2002.

Yunus, Muhammad, (1999)“Microlending: Toward a Poverty-Free World, “ BYU Studies Quarterly: Vol. 38:Iss. 2, Article 8. Available at: https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/byus1/bol38/iss2/8

Transitions in Marriage: Power Relations and Children

Power Relations

In a healthy marriage relationship there is equal partnership between husband and wife. Men and women are equal in the site of God though they fulfill different roles in the family. In leading the family, they are to share the responsibility (Miller, 2008).

Gordon B. Hinckley stated, “In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey” (Hinckley, 2002, p. 52).

“Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have” (Hinckley, 1992, p. 6).

It is important to remember that both spouses have equal roles and that they are to work together in leading their family. This includes making decisions that affect family members and taking care of home and children.

“Since the beginning, God has instructed mankind that marriage should unite husband and wife together in unity. Therefore, there is not a president or a vice president in a family. The couple works together eternally for the good of the family. They are united together in word, in deed, and in action as they lead, guide and direct their family unit. They are on equal footing (Perry, 2004, p. 71).

Children

In a speech given at the BYU Conference on Family Life in March 2008, Richard B. Miller mentions several important things for partners to know.

1. Parents are the leaders in the family
2. Parents need to be united
3. The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults
4. The marital relationship should be a partnership

(Miller, 2008)

It is important for parents to be united and work together.  “It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children. If parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss the issues in an ‘executive session’ without the children present. Children often try to play their parents off of each other. Consequently, it is important that parents make sure that they are working together and making decisions that are consistent with each other. Except in cases of abuse, passively not supporting the other parent or actively undermining the authority of the other parent causes serious damage to children” (Miller, 2008).

As children become adults, marry, and begin their own families, parents need to step back and allow them to make their own decisions and choices. Advice can be given, when asked for, but should not be expected to be followed.

Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their father, and their chums. Sometimes, mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others… Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it (Kimball, 1977, pp. 4.5).

The Savior, Jesus Christ, said “Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine” (D&C 38.27) We need to be united in our marriage and in the leadership of our family. We are to have our hearts knit together in love (Eyring, 1998, p. 1). Our Heavenly Father’s plan includes eternal marriage and families. Satan would destroy families to destroy the plan. He is the one that “plants seeds of discord in the human hearts in the hope that we might be divided and separate (Eyring, 1998, p. 3). As we come to know and accept the gospel of Jesus Christ, we will be able to overcome Satan’s influence in our lives and to be sanctified through the Holy Spirit. When we seek to have the Spirit in our lives we will have more peace and harmony in our homes. We will become unified in our family, the church, and the world (Eyring, 1998, p. 11).

The couple works together eternally for the good of the family. They are united together in word, in deed, and in action as they lead, guide and direct their family unit. They are on equal footing (Perry, 2004, p. 71).

Eyring, Henry B. May 1998. “That We May Be One”.   Ensign. Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Hinckley, Gordon B. August 1992. Ensign, Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Hinckley, Gordon B. May 2002. Ensign, Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Kimball, Spencer W.  March 1977. Ensign,Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Miller, Richard B., “Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families”, BYU Conference on Family Life, 2008

Perry, L. Tom. May 2004. Ensign, Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Physical Intimacy and Fidelity in Marriage

Sexual Intimacy

In an article in the September 1986 Ensign, Brent A. Barlow tells of an experience he had as a missionary. He and his new companion were meeting with a Protestant Minister. After talking on different topics, the minister asked, “And what is the Mormon attitude towards sexuality?” (Barlow, 1986, p. 49). Barlow says that he was tongue-tied and not sure how to respond. His companion, realizing that Barlow was not responding, said, “Sir, we believe in it.”

Sexual intimacy is a natural and essential part of marriage. The Lord has given specific guidelines for this power. It is to be used between a husband and wife legally married. Many church leaders have spoken on this topic over the years. I will share just a few here.

“Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.” (Kimball, 1982, p. 311.)

“The divine impulse within every true man and woman that impels companionship with the opposite sex is intended by our Maker as a holy impulse for a holy purpose, not to be satisfied as a mere biological urge or as a lust of the flesh in promiscuous associations, but to be reserved as an expression of true love in holy wedlock.”  (Lee, 2000, p. 112).

Fidelity

Fidelity in marriage means that we are faithful, loyal, committed, respectful, and that we love our spouse with all our heart. This means that we are physically and emotionally connected with our spouse. We are to have no intimate physical relations with anyone other than our spouse. We need to guard our relationship with our spouse and not develop any relationships with others that can cause us to pull away from our spouse. In the Ensign article, Barlow suggests that another way to look at emotional fidelity is to refer to it as “spiritual fidelity. He states, “This phrase (spiritual fidelity) underscores the seriousness of the choices we make because it recognizes the eternal potential of our marital relationships as well as the importance of acting in accordance with the promptings of the Holy Ghost. Spiritual fidelity also causes us to consider the sacred covenants we have made in the temple and how the very nature of our thoughts and deeds can undermine those covenants. In other words, if a person is unfaithful spiritually he is not honoring his temple covenants even though he has not committed physical acts of intimacy” (Matheson, 2009, para. 16.)

Matheson (2009) gives us questions to consider in evaluating our own spiritual fidelity:

• Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?
• Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?
• Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?
• Do you email and text your friend when you are not together?
• Have you told your spouse about these messages?
• Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?
• Do you compare your spouse to your friend?
• Would you be comfortable introducing your spouse to your friend? 

Satan wants us to be miserable as he is. He wants to destroy us and our marriages.  

Our marriages are sacred unions and we need to be on our guard constantly.

Barlow, Brent A., Sep. 1986. “They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage”, Ensign, Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Kimball, Spencer W. 2000. The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Matheson, Kenneth W. 2009. “Fidelity in Marriage – Its More Than You Think”, Ensign, Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Measuring the Cost

Balance for Success

An entrepreneur has many roles to fulfill. Business owner, parent, spouse, community member, and church member are just a few. Learning to balance your efforts for each area of responsibility is necessary to finding fulfillment in life. Plan and schedule regular family time when you are not distracted by work responsibilities. Involving your family in the business is important. Let your spouse and children know what you are doing and how they can help. Communication is very important to be successful with balancing your responsibilities.

President Thomas S. Monson, in an article in the 1996 Ensign, gives a three-part formula for success. He states, “… we have the responsibility to be prepared, to be productive, to be, to be faithful, and to be fruitful as well. What we need, as we journey along through this period known as mortality, is a compass to chart our course, a map to guide our footsteps, and a pattern whereby we might mold and shape our very lives. May I share with you a formula that in my judgement will help you and help me to journey well through mortality…” (Monson, 1996, Paragraph 5). His formula includes: 1) fill your mind with truth; 2) fill your life with service; 3) fill your heart with love.

As we seek for and find truth and serve others with love we will not only be successful in this mortal journey, but also in the eternal world.

Attitude on Money

One article we read this week talked about how we all have filters in our minds that determine how we see things. These filters come from our parents’ beliefs and opinions and from our own experiences. Filters help determine what we believe. As we mature we decide if the filters our parents passed on are true. Stephen w. Gibson wrote: “Our conclusions about how we view things may be different than the way our parents have taught us or what we have observed in our youth. That in and of itself, doesn’t make it bad or good. However I believe we can all better understand life and the different ways each of us see things in life, if we all remember that we all see things through filters.” (Gibson, 2017, paragraph 9) I think it is very important to look at our filters and compare them to eternal principles. We need to be ever vigilant in following true principles. Money, itself is not evil, but a person can choose to use it in evil or bad ways.

Here are a few of my thoughts about money:

What is your attitude toward money?

My attitude toward money is that it is necessary for survival in this life. When we have more money than we need for our own support we can bless other people’s lives. If we are always living paycheck to paycheck, we are not able to “feed the hungry, cloth the naked, and care for the sick.” (See Matthew 25:37-39.)

How can your view of money affect the way you live?

My view of money will affect the way I live because it is part of my filters of life. If I see money as a necessary evil, I will not seek to gain more and then I will not be able to bless others in need. If I see money as a means of blessing other people I will want to work hard and pursue earning more to be in a position to help others.

What rules are recommended for prospering?

The rules for prospering according to Handy are:

1. Seek the Lord and have hope in him.
2. Keep the commandments, that includes the temporal ones, tithing and fast offerings.
3. THink about money and plan how you can become self-reliant.
4. Take advantage of chances for learning so you will not be ignorant of these matters. 
5. Learn the laws upon which the blessings of wealth are predicated.
6. Do not send away the naked, the hungry, the thirsty or the sick or those who are held captive.

Monson, Thomas S., 1996, “Formula for Success”, Ensign, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Gibson, Stephen W., 2017, “Attitude on Money”, Unknown publisher.

Dream Big Dreams

This week we interviewed an entrepreneur. The person I interviewed said that one of the most important things we need to do is have a clear picture of what we are working for. Many people refer to this as the “why” for building your business. “Why” do you want to do this? Your “why” needs to be so big that it will help you overcome and get past any challenge that may arise.

The Challenge to Become

We studied a talk given by Dallin H. Oaks, ‘The Challenge to Become’. He talks about being converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Oaks explains that being converted is different than having a testimony. “This process (conversion) requires far more than acquiring knowledge. It is not even enough for us to be convinced of the gospel; we must act and think so that we are converted by it. In contrast to the institutions of the world, which teach us to know something, the gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to become something.” (Oaks, “The Challenge to Become”, October 2000, lds.org.)

As we study and learn in school we acquire knowledge and skills to help us throughout life. Elder Oaks is telling us there is much more in learning the gospel than in acquiring knowledge and skills. As we learn the gospel and follow the teachings of Christ we will become better people. In the end, it will not just be the knowledge we have, a testimony, but how that                                                                                         knowledge has changed us, conversion.

Think Big

Taylor Richards in a speech given at BYU Rollins Center states, “Do not underestimate yourself.” He later tells us to involve the Lord in what we do, and we will be able to do great things. Bringing the Lord into all we do will help us achieve greatness in all areas of life.

The Heart of Entrepreneurship

In an article published in Harvard Business Review, we read, “A person’s most valuable assets are intelligence, energy, and experience – not money or other material things…”  (Stevenson & Gumpert, Harvard Business Review, March-April 1985.) In this article the authors compare entrepreneurs with managers. Managers can be entrepreneurs, but they must have a different focus than most administrators.
 Entrepreneurs see opportunities and ask, “how can I use this for gain?” They are creative and innovative, whereas most managers look at these same opportunities as problems to be solved, not chances for change. Change is an uncomfortable topic to most managers, they like things to stay the same. Entrepreneurs see change as times to make things better.

So, who do we want to become? Do we want to seize opportunities and make changes to grow and become better? Or do we want to stay in the ‘comfort zone’ and continue on the same old path.


  The choice is always ours to make.

Seeking to Understand

As I have stated in previous posts, all married couples will have differences. In last week’s studies we learned that there are two different types of problems that couples have, solvable and perpetual or irreconcilable problems. This second type of problem can lead to distress in the marriage, if not understood by both partners.

In Gottman’s book (2015), The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he explains his sixth principle – “Overcome Gridlock”. Gridlock is when both partners cannot “find a way to accommodate these perpetual disagreements” (Gottman, 2015, p. 236.) Gottman gives us questions to ask to determine if we have reached gridlock, (Gottman, 2015, p. 237.) He states: “As with most difficulties; the best approach to coping with gridlock is to avoid it in the first place” (Gottman, 2015, 237).

As we learn how to deal with perpetual problems and overcome gridlock, we will see our marriage and spouse in a different way. We will be able to understand the desires of our spouse and the driving force behind his/her actions. We continue to use the other principles taught by Gottman (2015) to strengthen our marriage relationship.

There is another key to help us with problems that occur in our marriages, the gift of charity. We often think of charity as something we develop and show towards those who are less fortunate. If, however, we study the scriptures that speak of the gift of charity, we come to understand that this is a gift from God and not a skill we develop. In his book, author H. Wallace Goddard (2009), explains in great detail how we can seek this gift in our marriage relationships and what great power it can give to us as couples. As we are given the gift of charity, we will humbly acknowledge our many weaknesses and that only through the grace and power of Jesus Christ can we be made clean for our sins. We will come to give this same grace to our partners, not seeing any weakness in them but only the many good things they do. “It is only when we recognize our weakness that we can be made strong by His perfect grace” (Goddard, 2009, p. 122.)

Goddard (2009) continues, “At some point in your marriage, like me, you have probably enjoyed at least 80% of your spouse’s traits. Even then, there is that bedeviling 20% that still annoys us. Most of our marriage-fixing efforts are focused on that bothersome 20% of our partner’s character that we just can’t find a way to enjoy…Such tampering with spousal character, though well-intended is simply not effective. Criticism does not lead to repentance and growth. It leads to anger, defensiveness, and distance” (Goddard, 2009, p. 125.) On page 126 Goddard continues this conversation, “Rather than re-working our partners to our liking, we are invited to cover their weakness with our Charity! God is serious about cultivating our charity. Irritations with our partners are not a challenge to diplomacy as much as to our charity. There are no right words when our hearts are wrong.” (Goddard, 2009).

How wonderful for us to treat our spouse in the same manner as God treats us! God is willing to accept us as we are through the grace of our Savior Jesus Christ who has provided the way for our forgiveness. Should we not allow the same for our spouse and give them the same charity, the same grace and forgiveness? As I have come to see only the good in my husband and cherish him for who he is and who he can become in eternity, I understand better the power of Christ’s charity towards me. I want to help my husband be the best he can be – he wants to help me achieve my best. What a glorious relationship we are building, and you can too!

Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hill, UT: Joymap Publishing
Gottman, J.M. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Managing Conflict; Consecrating Ourselves

There will always be some conflict between spouses, even in the best of marriages. What we studied this week is how to deal with conflict. John M. Gottman, in his book: “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, explains that there are two types of conflict. He talks about solvable problems – those that can be dealt with and overcome, and perpetual problems – they will part of your lives forever, so you need to learn to cope with them. Gottman (2015) states, “Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive” (Gottman, 2015, p. 139).

Couples who acknowledge their problems and are able to talk about them will not become overwhelmed with problems. It is important to know which type each problem is, so you can know how to deal with each. When discussing conflicts, Gottman (2015) suggests five steps to use. These steps are 1) use a soft start-up, 2) use effective repair attempts, 3) monitor your physiology for warning signs of flooding, 4) learn how to compromise, and 5) become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections (Gottman, 2015, p. 142).

This last step, become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections, ties into consecration. 

Consecration is surrendering our will to God.  As we do this, we allow God to work in our life and the lives of others, including our spouse. When we surrender to God, we give up all our sins, our expectations, and our will. “This total willingness to sacrifice must not be misunderstood. This is not the same as becoming a gelatinous blob with no form or purpose. This ultimate sacrifice is combined with obedience and informed by the gospel of Jesus Christ to provide an appropriate sacrifice. As God would have it, our whole-soul offerings are likely to bless our partners even as they refine us" (Goddard, 2009, p. 104).

In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard (2009) explains that consecration helps us use our “spiritual energy to rescue our imperfect partners” (Goddard, 2009, p. 105). We will come to look for the good in our spouse and not let the imperfections bother us. As both partners do this the marriage grows stronger.

Over the years, I have come to understand that the imperfections of my spouse are not that important in the bigger picture of eternity. I have made the conscious effort to not let these small things, or even bigger things, bother me. I know that I have many imperfections, yet my husband still loves and cherishes me. During my studies this week, I have come to understand that as we are repentant and willing to forgive our spouse, as we surrender our will to God, He will sanctify us and our marriage. What a glorious blessing that will be!

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.
Gottman, J.M. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Disciple Leadership

Where do I start in describing a disciple leader? We read and watched so many great articles and videos this week. Here are a few of my thoughts from my studies this week.

“A Disciple Preparation Center” was a devotional address given August 31, 2004 at BYU-I by David A. Bednar who was the president of the university at that time. He compared BYU-I with temples as places of learning. In this address he explained what a Disciple Preparation Center (DPC) is. He states, “A disciple is one who follows or attends upon another for the express purpose of learning (Oxford English Dictionary On-Line, second edition, 1989) …The word preparation implies the process of making or getting ready (Oxford English Dictionary On-Line, second edition, 1989) … And one of the common uses of the word center connotes a point from which things and influences originate or emanate (Oxford English Dictionary On-Line, second edition, 1989).” (Bednar, “A Disciple Preparation Center,” 2004.) Bednar explains the importance of learning more than academics. We need to become true disciples of Christ. This will help us in all aspects of our lives.

Kim B. Clark in his commencement address at BYU-Idaho, 2007 explained that great leaders follow Christ’s example of leadership. Clark states, “The call to be a disciple-leader is a call to minister and to serve. It is a call to lead as Christ leads. It is leadership with a small “L” – the kind of leadership that builds and lifts and inspires through kindness and love and unselfish devotion to the Lord and His work.” (Kim B. Clark, “Leadership with a Small ‘L’,” www2.byui.edu.)

According to Clark there are three principles that the Savior used as a leader.

1. Lead by Example
2. Lead with Vision
3. Lead with Love

In his closing remarks, Clark says, “I pray that no matter where you go, no matter what you do, you will always be disciples of the Savior and lead by example with vision and love.” (Kim B. Clark, “Leadership with a Small ‘L’,” www2.byui.edu.)

Jim Ritchie

We watched two video segments from Jim Ritchie, Achieving Higher Ground and Good to Great. “A true leader is someone who takes people to higher ground. They have changed the faces of history.” (Jim Ritchie, “Achieving Higher Ground”, The Ministry of Business Course, Video, 2012, accessed August 27, 2018.) Ritchie explains that great leaders motivate people by their example and conviction. They stand for important issues.

From the second video Ritchie states:

“We were not sent to this earth to be mediocre, but to be great.”

• Good is the enemy to great! - Most good people find a comfort zone in their goodness.
• Get the right people on the bus. –  Then decide where to use them. Don’t waste time with those who are not good.
• Possess these 3 Characteristics: 1) Great Product, 2) Believe you’re the best, 3) Passion for your product – If any of these 3 are missing you will be a good, but not great company.

(Jim Ritchie, “Good to Great”, The Ministry of Business Course, Video, 2012, accessed August 27, 2018.)

In an article from Acton Foundation for Entrepreneurial Excellence I learned that the “rarest skill is the ability to execute. This article explained that most people when given a task to complete start by asking a question without starting the project as needed. Most people are not self-starters who stay on task to complete the job. The most important challenges we will face are within ourselves. Overcoming things that hold us back is more important than other skills we can acquire.

This week we have learned that ‘becoming’ is the most important element of being a great leader. When we lead by example, vision and love we will be the self-starter that can do things to change the world.

Overcoming Challenges

Have you ever heard a story that did not include challenges or problems? The main character always faces the unknown. He must walk paths without knowing the outcome of his journey. The life of an entrepreneur is the same. We walk an unknown path without knowing how our journey will end. We will face challenges undreamed of, but as we preserver we will overcome.

In our studies this week we learned about the important things that can help us overcome challenges that we will face. We did not discuss specific challenges, everyone's will be different. There are specific tools that can help in any situation with any challenge.

 Pray and have faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ.

“Pray always and be believing” (D&C 90:24.) Jeffrey R. Holland, in a 1999 Conference address said, “Every one of us has times when we need to know things will get better…For emotional health and spiritual stamina, everyone needs to be able to look forward to some respite, to something pleasant and renewing and hopeful, whether that blessing be near at hand or still some distance ahead. It is enough to know we can get there, that however measured or far away, there is the promise of ‘good things to come.’

        

 My declaration is that this is precisely what the gospel of Jesus Christ offers us, especially in times of need… It is the very Son of God Himself.” (Holland, 1999, paragraph 2.) He also stated, “Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the very source of the light you seek. He does love you, and He know your fears. He hears your prayers.” (Holland, 1999, paragraph 8.) With faith in our Savior and asking God through prayer for His help, we will be able to overcome anything that makes us stumble or fall on our journey.

Perseverance

When challenges show up we may be tired and want to quit. We need to keep on moving, learning, and growing. “Don’t give up, boy. Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead – a lot of it… You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and Believe in good things to come.” (Holland, 1999, paragraph 20.) At another time as president of BYU, Holland said: “When days are difficult or problems seem unending, I plead with you to stay in the harness and keep pulling…it will require your heart and a willing mind. It will require that you stay at your post and keep trying.” (Jeffery R. Holland, However Long and Hard the Road, 1983, BYU Devotional, pg. 3)

Keep a sense of humor

Humor can help us in challenging times. Sometimes we need to step back and just laugh; laugh at ourselves, at the circumstances, but not at other people. Humor is a way to diffuse many situations. Laughter may not make our challenges leave, but we will have a better outlook.

Becoming

We need to remember that part of any journey is who we become through the process. When we face challenges, we will see aspects of who we are that were not visible in the easy part of our journey. “I would like to just shout at you to see in yourself what I see in you. The only limitations you have are those you set on yourselves…sometimes we cannot recognize the real purpose and significance of the moment which is ours to experience. That’s because too many of us learn only through our heads and not through our hearts!” (Patricia Holland, “However Long and Hard the Road, 1983, BYU Devotional, pg. 2)

Dreams and Visions

When times are hard one thing that can help us is the dreams of what we are working for. Many people design a “vision board” to help them focus and remember the things they are working for. This can be a strength when challenges show up on your path. “As you wage …wars, obviously part of the strength to ‘hang in there’ comes from some glimpse, however faint and fleecing, of what victory can be. It is as true now as when Solomon said it that ‘where there is no vision, the people perish’ (Proverbs 29:18). If your eyes are always on your shoelaces, if all you can see is…this disappointment or that dilemma, then it really is quite easy to throw in the towel and stop the fight. But what if it is the fight of your life?” (Jeffery R. Holland, However Long and Hard the Road, 1983, BYU Devotional, pg. 5)

These are just a few things we can turn to when challenges and problems arise on our journey, the journey to entrepreneurship and the journey of life.

Have Faith! Pray! Dream! Persevere! Laugh! Become!