Managing Conflict; Consecrating Ourselves

There will always be some conflict between spouses, even in the best of marriages. What we studied this week is how to deal with conflict. John M. Gottman, in his book: “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, explains that there are two types of conflict. He talks about solvable problems – those that can be dealt with and overcome, and perpetual problems – they will part of your lives forever, so you need to learn to cope with them. Gottman (2015) states, “Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive” (Gottman, 2015, p. 139).

Couples who acknowledge their problems and are able to talk about them will not become overwhelmed with problems. It is important to know which type each problem is, so you can know how to deal with each. When discussing conflicts, Gottman (2015) suggests five steps to use. These steps are 1) use a soft start-up, 2) use effective repair attempts, 3) monitor your physiology for warning signs of flooding, 4) learn how to compromise, and 5) become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections (Gottman, 2015, p. 142).

This last step, become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections, ties into consecration. 

Consecration is surrendering our will to God.  As we do this, we allow God to work in our life and the lives of others, including our spouse. When we surrender to God, we give up all our sins, our expectations, and our will. “This total willingness to sacrifice must not be misunderstood. This is not the same as becoming a gelatinous blob with no form or purpose. This ultimate sacrifice is combined with obedience and informed by the gospel of Jesus Christ to provide an appropriate sacrifice. As God would have it, our whole-soul offerings are likely to bless our partners even as they refine us" (Goddard, 2009, p. 104).

In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard (2009) explains that consecration helps us use our “spiritual energy to rescue our imperfect partners” (Goddard, 2009, p. 105). We will come to look for the good in our spouse and not let the imperfections bother us. As both partners do this the marriage grows stronger.

Over the years, I have come to understand that the imperfections of my spouse are not that important in the bigger picture of eternity. I have made the conscious effort to not let these small things, or even bigger things, bother me. I know that I have many imperfections, yet my husband still loves and cherishes me. During my studies this week, I have come to understand that as we are repentant and willing to forgive our spouse, as we surrender our will to God, He will sanctify us and our marriage. What a glorious blessing that will be!

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.
Gottman, J.M. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.