Cherishing Your Spouse

What does the word ‘cherish’ mean? Webster’s 1828 dictionary (www.webstersdictionary1828.com) gives this definition:

1.      To treat with tenderness and affection; to give warmth, ease or comfort to.

2.      To hold as dear; to embrace with affection; to foster and encourage.

3.      To treat in a manner to encourage growth, by protection, aid, attendance, or supplying nourishment.

So, how do we cherish our spouse? We need to treat them tenderly and with affection. We need to hold them dear and with affection. And we need to encourage them to grow, giving them aid any way we can.

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman, talks about love maps. He says, “...emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map – my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” (Gottman, John M., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Harmony Books, New York, pg.54.) Gottman talks about knowing our spouse in intimate ways. This he says will be a powerful buffer against tough times in marriage. The more we know about our spouse, his past, dreams, trials and stressors, his favorite things, and important events in his life, the more we will have positive feelings for him.

Henry B. Eyring, in a 2009 Conference talk speaking of God’s plan for families, stated: “He has offered us the family as an example of an ideal setting in which we can learn how to love as He loves. That is because the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is. And the sorrow comes primarily from selfishness, which is the absence of love.” (Eyring, Henry B., “Our Perfect Example”, October 2009, www.lds.org, pg. 2.) Our loving Heavenly Father knows each of us and has designed the way for us to learn here in this mortal life. Being part of a family is the best setting for us to learn the things that will help us the most. Part of this learning is becoming a better person. We need to seek ways to learn and grow, becoming better in the process. Elder Eyring suggests that we “Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.” (Eyring, pg.3)

I remember when this talk was given, almost 10 years ago. I have taken this advice and prayed to see the good in my husband, to see him as God sees him. I have such great love for my husband and know that he has many great qualities that make him unique. As I have come to look for and see these good qualities, the things he does that use to bother me now seem small and insignificant. There are times when I let negative thoughts creep in, but I can quickly change my thought pattern by remember his good qualities and all the good memories we have made together.

Gottman gives exercises for couples to do to help them determine quality of their love maps. In the following chapters, he gives steps to building or developing a better love map. The first step is to “nurture your fondness and admiration.” He also tells us to look for the good in our spouse. “…fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree.” This book is a great resource for all married couples; we can all improve ourselves and our marriages.