Family Rules
There are many transitions that will occur when a couple marries. Two people come together to start a new family. They come from two different ‘worlds’ in a sense. Each brings their own ideas and perceptions of what their new life will be, based on what they have observed and experienced in their family growing up. ‘Unfortunately, many newlyweds tend to bring to their marriages a fairy-tale belief in living happily ever after, a belief seemingly based on this supposition: “We have been good. Therefore, only good things will happen to us.’ This belief seems to blind them to the fact that their relationship will undergo radical and usually unexpected changes” (Poduska, 2000, p. 25). Life never stays the same; there is constant change in all living things, including marriage. As a married couple adjusts to married life, they come to learn and grow together.
In his book, Till Debt Do We Part, Bernard Poduska talks about the ‘family rules’ that each family has. He distinguishes three levels of rules that are maintained and transmitted from generation to generation.
- Explicit Family Rules – rules expressed verbally
- Implicit Family Rules – taught through nonverbal communication – these have the greatest impact
- Intuitive Family Rules – also unspoken – these are more far reaching, emotionally inherited
A newly married couple needs to understand the differences they bring and to work to establish their own rules, combining the rules from both families. This will help with future matters such as finances and childrearing. “It is important that couples understand the rules that bias their perceptions, because these rules influence not only how they expect others to behave but also the consequences they mete out to those who break these rules. One of the most frequent consequences of breaking family rules is distancing by other family members” (Poduska, 2000, p. 30).
In-Law Relations
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:24).
When a new family unit is established, through marriage, both spouses are now part of another ‘new’ family. We often refer to this new family as “the in-laws”. Learning to deal with in-laws can be challenging, but also rewarding. Every family is different, so trying to fit in with the in-laws may be difficult. In the book Helping and Healing Our Families, authors James M. Harper and Susanne F. Olsen give information in chapter 37 on establishing good relationships with new family members. This chapter is titled “Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families” (Haupt, et. al. 2000). “One of the major opportunities the formation of a new marriage offers is that of negotiating relationships between the families the spouses grew up in and the partnership they create through marriage” (Harper & Olsen, 2005, p. 327).
Parents need to allow newly married children to establish their own family unit with their own traditions and identity. Married children build their own identity and decide how they will involve extended family members. Family holiday traditions are one area where conflicts may arise. “Sensitive parents-in-law recognize it is important for couples to develop their own traditions and have time together on special occasions. Parents can help by genuinely not pressuring their grown children to be at every family gathering, even though they will be missed.
I was blessed with a great parents-in-law who helped me understand the importance of allowing newly married children to establish their own family identity. We have always lived near both of our families, which gave us many opportunities to be involved in family gatherings. My in-laws were accepting of me and including me in the family. They were always there to help if needed but were never pushy or demanding.
As my children have married, I have tried to be a good mother-in-law. We have accepted each new member of the family and tried to make them comfortable at family events. With a large family, this has not always been easy. We make special effort to visit with each of our children and their family on a one to one basis to build our relationships with their spouse and children. We are there when help is needed but try to not be criticizing in any way. In my studies this week, I have seen more ways that I might build my relationships with each of my children-in-laws.
The family is ordained of God, we need to build and maintain family relationships that will endure through eternity. This is an ongoing process, but even though it may be difficult, it will be glorious to have every family member present in the eternities. I want to make all family members feel welcome in our home.
Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Family. In Haupt, J.H., et.al. (Ed.) Helping and Healing Our Families, (pp. 327-334). Provo, UT: Deseret Book Company.
Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt Do Us Part, Salt Lake City, UT: Shadow Mountain.
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